


(i don't know how but) sometimes i can be strong

by nbsherlock



Series: and so it goes, and so it goes, and you're the only one who knows [4]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hugs, IPRE Era, Jealousy, Not Canon Compliant, as far as I know, finding common ground
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-11-06 07:55:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11031909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nbsherlock/pseuds/nbsherlock
Summary: she can feel his eyes on her from across the room-lucretia & magnus take a slow intake of breath.





	(i don't know how but) sometimes i can be strong

**Author's Note:**

> hey hey sorry for how late this is (not that i gave any set schedule) but here it is! this is the fourth part of a series i've been working on for a bit. of course it's not mandatory that you read the other parts but to establish the roles of these characters in this tiny world i've established, you may want to read them?  
> this is the magnus & lucretia piece. so have fun with that. also, as always, warning for major character death but as we are in the general ipre era timeline death is not permanent! oh, and title from billy joel's 'worse comes to worst' i wish i didn't start this billy joel bit because it's impossible to end and also awful in general.

Lucretia can feel his eyes on her from across the room. She feels stripped bare, like he’s daring her to say something, to even _attempt_ to claim that she meant more to her than to him. Lucretia doesn’t want to do that, she doesn’t _feel_ that. She feels herself tremble, minutely. She’s not sure if he can tell.  

The worst part of this is that Lup has died before. Lucretia has seen Lup die. And yet, this time, after they have gotten closer, more intimate, it feels worse. Like, instead of the pain lingering somewhere in the back of her head, easily pushed away, it’s encompassing every part of her body. It feels wrong, to mourn her so deeply only after they’ve touched.

But, along with kissing and touching and loving, they had been getting to know each other. Lup would lay back on Lucretia’s bed and talk for hours about all the things that she wanted to do in her lifetime, all the things she wanted to see. And Lucretia would look at her, her heart in her eyes, and smile until Lup noticed she had been rambling and would tug her down to kiss her. It feels unfair that between the times Lup would freeze and say, “I’ve never told anyone that before,” and the possibility that one day Lucretia will get to know _everything_ there is to know about her, there is death, lingering over their heads, making sure there is never a completely quiet, still moment.

Over the past few cycles, it has become clear to Lucretia that everyone is affected when a crew member dies. There are only the seven of them, after all. It would make sense that comradery within the team would grow strong enough that every loss was a major one.

However, she has also noticed that there have been deeper connections formed.

When they lose Merle, or Captain Davenport, Lup goes quiet. Lucretia can tell that she is in pain, pensive, not sure what she is supposed to feel. When they lose Barry, she tends to panic, clinging to Lucretia for reassurance that he will come back. When they lose Taako or Magnus, she is loud, begging for mercy, for someone to take her instead, as if there is someone out there who would listen. The sound of her voice, afterward, is hard to listen to. It is rough and feels forced, goes silent every so often. Lucretia has surmised that the silence goes hand and hand with memory. But she isn’t sure what Lup is remembering, and it’s never explained. When they lose Taako or Magnus, Lup is like a hurricane.

Lucretia isn’t sure if her death is a natural disaster or just a slight fall of rain. She never asks, after she wakes up in the ship to find Lup looking at her like she’s a miracle.

Now, Taako is holed up in his room. They all know that he needs time to process the loss as to not push himself to heal too fast. He is unsafe when he pretends he is fine. Barry may try to talk to him, soon. He had mentioned this in soft tones to her, in passing. Merle and Captain Davenport are out of the ship, making plans that are stilted with grief. Magnus is on the couch.

Lucretia is across the room from him, leaning against the wall, and she can feel his eyes on her. She never writes down what follows.

Maybe it’s how fresh the wound is, maybe it’s the suffocating pressure of his stare. But, something inside of her snaps. She takes a deep breath, for confidence – Lup once told her, eyes closed and hand tracing Lucretia’s face, that when she’s feeling scared, all she needs is to remind herself to breathe, to actively go through the motions—and looks at Magnus.

“What have I done wrong?” she says. It takes every bit of strength within her to sound angry instead of as terrified as she feels.

Magnus’s eyes snap to hers. He opens and closes his mouth as if remembering and forgetting what he wants to say. With no answer, Lucretia barrels on.

“We’re both hurting, Magnus,” her voice inches from breaking. “Why does it have to be a competition?”

Magnus clenches one of his fists and then breathes in. Maybe Lup taught him the same thing. “I don’t,“ he starts. He looks at his lap. Lucretia tilts her head back against the wall, exhaustion battling exasperation. “I don’t know how to make it… _not_ a competition.” He looks weak, in this moment. Lucretia has never seen him in this light. She supposes Lup has. “I know our relationships are… really different,” he looks somewhere else, anywhere but at Lucretia. “But I’m no good at this stuff,” he laughs. There’s no humor in it, just fear. Lucretia looks at her feet. “I didn’t have anyone, before. No friends, no close family.” He looks at the bar, looks at his hands. Looks at Lucretia, eyes wide. “And now I have the team, and I have _Lup_ , and it’s… _so hard_ to think she might trust someone or- or _love them_ more than me.”

Lucretia’s brow furrows.

“No, I don’t have _feelings_ for her, I just,” he breathes again. Deeply, slowly. “She’s the only real friend I’ve ever had.”

Lucretia blinks.

She always had doubt in the attraction of opposites. It made no logical sense. It’s so easy to find a friend in someone who shares interests with you, whose way of thinking is the same. You can talk for hours upon hours with them about the things you both like and no one would ever get bored.

Lup is sociable. An extrovert. Clever, almost to a fault. She will talk to everyone under the sun but pick and choose who she wants to trust like picking a meal from a menu. Like trying on clothing and discarding the items you don’t want.

Lucretia forms bonds through chance, her social skills not impeccable, but her luck, never mind the science between something as impossible as _luck_ , is unparalleled. She was lucky enough that Lup chose her.

Upon first glance, Magnus Burnsides seems full of life, full of love to give, radiating positive energy. Lup had told her about how good he is at hugging, how comforting he is. This Magnus, the one in front of her, has a wall built up around him. He doesn’t resemble anything of the person she imagined. This Magnus Burnsides is scared, frozen still and has to take a deep breath before answering a question. Lucretia supposes the Magnus in her mind could still exist, but this Magnus is in grief. He is grieving the only friend he’s ever had.

Lucretia may not know exactly how that feels, but she is grieving for the same person. She is grieving for her lover and her friend and she’s grieving _Lup_. She can see that reflected in Magnus. She can see _herself_ reflected in him.

Lucretia takes a deep breath and walks over to him in long strides before wrapping her arms around him and squeezing.

“Um,” Magnus says, slowly returning the hug.

“I’m sorry,” she says into his neck. _Fuck_ reason. There’s no room for reason in this. Her heart beats, fast. “Is this okay? I know it’s probably not the same.”

“No,” Magnus stumbles over his words, “no, it’s… fine. Do you… wanna sit down?”

Lucretia doesn’t detach from him as she turns and sits next to him on the couch. Magnus adjusts his posture and pulls her in closer. He takes a deep breath,

“I’m sorry, too.” He takes a long pause. “I know you two have gotten really close and,” he sighs and lets out a dry laugh, “you were right. I wanted to make it a competition when I could’ve just,” he breathes out.

“Talked to me?” Lucretia suggests, smiling against his shoulder.

Magnus nods. There is a moment of silence. “Do you ever get scared she might just… forget about you after all of this?”

Lucretia closes her eyes and shakes her head. “She does seem like the type, doesn’t she?” Lucretia hums, “No. I don’t ever worry about that. I think she keeps people close for life.” The lucky few, Lucretia thinks.

Magnus lowers his head to rest against her shoulder. “Yeah,” he murmurs. They sit like that for a while, the line never crossing between comfort and discomfort. It is warmth, it is safety and reassurance that _she will be back_. They both breathe through it until it feels natural to let go. Magnus pulls out of the hug and clears his throat, “I guess, while we’re here… does she ever say anything about me?”

Lucretia laughs. It bubbles up in her chest and feels like light, like releasing tension. She hasn’t laughed like this in a while. “She says she loves you,” she says, smiling.

“Funny,” Magnus grins. “She says the same thing about you.”

**Author's Note:**

> so that's that. hope you liked it. kudos and comments are nice and all that jazz. i'm @margaritaville on tumblr if you're into that kind of thing. next up will be....... a surprise! because i want each part to be kind of unexpected. but hopefully i'll have it done within the next week/week and a half. see ya on the flipside!


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